Dear Dater,

One of the traditional lines in wedding ceremonies is ‘to care for one another in sickness and in health’. Looking after your partner in health is easy. It is interesting that we need reminding that we have to care for one other when we are sick. As with all elements in relationships we are all likely to have different takes on what this means to us and our Adam.

Early dating typically does not involve sickness. Well my dates don’t. Where an Adam or Eve is not well it is more likely that the date will be rescheduled. But as time goes on and you keep meeting the same Adam sickness is more likely to feature somewhere.

I was surprised to find one Adam I was dating had been asked to date a previous Eve because she was unwell. Eve was asking Adam to accompany her to the doctors – rather than to accompany her on the usual type of date. Eve wanted Adam as a support to hear her diagnosis.  For me this is a huge responsibility to be asking an Adam to be your support at the doctors. Just meeting Adam already comes with so many responsibilities – whether you have anything in common, looking out for how you feel, how Adam feels and how you make each other feel. To add in – Oh by the way I’d like you to come to the doctors with me – seems like an extreme responsibility to be factoring into early dating.

I find this approach implies that Eve is not happy to be bringing her own family and friends to support her. It seems to me that Eve is so keen to create the illusion to herself and her doctor that she has a partner to care for her in sickness. I guess that it is really up to the specific Eve and Adam on how this all pans out. Given that Adam was now dating me – perhaps not as that Eve had hoped.

Many years ago I dated an Adam. His sister was about to leave her husband, but then he had an accident. She then felt obliged to stay with her Adam and care for him. Obviously, there are so many elements to factor in. 

What I found fascinating was how the Adam I was dating interpreted this. My Adam asked would I look after him if he were injured. I responded that I wouldn’t commit to that as Adam was not actually committing to giving me himself when he was well. For me I was Adams insurance policy – to be looked after if something happened to him. Until that time we would live in different towns. Not my idea of in sickness and in health. Sure, if I was actually with Adam in health then it is reasonable.

One Adam I dated had some health issues. I drove him to and from hospital. I cooked him meals. One day I brought Adam back to my house after he’d had general anaesthetic. There are rules that you need to be with others after you’ve had general anaesthetic. So I followed the rules. Adam was not impressed. He did not want to be at my house. He did not want to be around other people and he was literally fuming and generating hostility. These were not the responses I expected from Adam. On one hand I can see being at your own place and having privacy has lots of appeal. However, there are reasons there needs to be others around after you’ve had major surgery. It may not be exactly what you want, but surely there should be some level of gratitude. In my case it seems not.

Sickness brings out challenges and emotions for all of us. There are the challenges of Man Flu and how incapacitating it can be. We all have hopes to stay healthy and steer clear of illness. Unfortunately, these hopes are not realistic. How we treat ourselves and others when we are sick, or caring for Adams who are sick, all form the basis of the bigger picture of you and the Adam you are dating.  Make sure you understand illness brings many tricky elements to the table, but don’t fail to see that consideration and gratitude go a long way in sickness and in health.

Let me know if you have any stories about sick Adams and dating.

Wishing you and your Adam health and happiness

Surely Eve