Dear Dater,

In our lives we find ourselves with regrets.  Online dating and relationships can bring new regrets or bring up old regrets. The other day I found an invitation when I was cleaning up.  I realised this invitation wasn’t just any old event, but one that shaped my life in ways I would never have imagined.  The invitation was to a fundraiser for the Salvation Army. It was for a dance organised by a friend of mine.  It wasn’t my usual scene, but the combination of it being a fund raiser and organised by my friend I headed there.

That morning I had breakfast with another friend.  I was participating in a self-awareness program and this breakfast meeting was new to me.  The program was about organising and expanding your life.  This breakfast meeting was an example of how you could fit more into your life than you thought. (I have gone on to use breakfast meetings in my dating.  Meeting Adams before we head off to work.  Give it a go. It is a wonderful way to start the day.)

So back to the morning of the dance.  My friend and I created a game around dating.  (Some things really don’t change.)  I had been asking Adams out for a while and it hadn’t lead to any sparks flying [Sparks Fly Eve].  So I create a game that an Adam is going to ask me out.  Seems like a fun thing.

The evening arrives. I get to the venue. Overlooking a lake there are tables, a bar and a dance floor.  At this point I want to emphasise that I am really out of my comfort zone.  My years at high school put me off dancing. I’m way too self-conscious. (As I’m writing this I’m listening to an Italian Adam put on his Italian charm.  That’s what I should have channeled that night.) So I’m sitting on a stool sipping my drink and up comes an Adam and asks would  I like to dance?  Given that I avoid dances like the plague it was a long time since anyone asked me that.

My heart is racing…. Not only have I been asked to dance, but now I actually have to dance.  Adam is asking my what style of dancing I like. The music is so loud hearing what Adam is asking is a challenge.  Now I’ve heard the question answering it is a bigger challenge.  I don’t know any style of dances – let alone which style is my favourite.  I find out Adam loves rock and roll dancing. Note to self – I will have to find out what that is.  We dance bit. We chat a bit. Then….. Adam asks me out. My heart is racing more….  The game I just created has come true already…. Incredible….

So to accelerate that story – that Adam became my husband.  From getting out of my comfort zone and attending a dance I find my husband. This reinforces the idea that if you keep doing the same thing you get the same result – so when you change your scene you get different outcomes.

Accelerate that story a bit more – we move cities – buy a house –  and have kids.  The life plan lived out……

Accelerate the story a bit more – ….until the statics of modern day marriage struck and we divorce.

This brings me to the theme of sorry and regrets. I didn’t want to get divorced. I didn’t want to divide everything we owned and work out the care arrangements for our kids. At the time it was earth shattering.  Now – with the benefit of hindsight – I know that these were the emotions of challenging times.  These are never easy times.  In truth my reasons for leaving were the regret of losing the person I used to be. I needed to leave.  I look back and have no regrets. It was the right decision for all of us.

Lingering or hanging onto regrets is not good for us. But letting go of them is a lot easier said than done.

Regret and feeling sorry for yourself and others are all emotions of a point in time. What you felt at that moment – about those circumstances – about those people. When you have the benefit of time and hindsight you realise that all of these aspects change:

• your feelings;
• the circumstances; and
• the people.

Our lives have ups and downs. We are all faced with challenges.  Apparently, it is the times when things aren’t going so well for us that bring up the regrets – so we get a double dose of misery.  Not much of a deal when you think of it like that.  Better to see it for what it is – a phase or sign that you need more sleep or some time doing things you love. To replenish your life.

A quote I read the other day was – Don’t spend too much of today on yesterday.

So focus on the wonderful elements of your life rather than dwell in regrets. Know that your circumstances, feelings and life will constantly change. Take on living the best life you can. Treasure your life and those you love.  Do the things you love to do. Go out of your comfort zone and you never know what you’ll find.

Let me know what you love about your life.

Whatever it is – do more of it!

Surely Eve