Dear Dater,

Being a single mum brings its own challenges. Adding online dating just adds to the complexities. There are the [Scheduling Eve] and [Space for Eve] challenges. There are when to introduce the kids challenges.  There are living the double life challenges [Sharing Eve] – where you see Adam when you don’t have kids and don’t see Adam when you do.

Adams I’ve met have taken various approaches to my kids:

• Breaking up because I had kids – never having met them
• Requesting not to meet them
• Meeting them and suggesting I raised them wrong
• Being taken aback by my kids’ age
• Wondering why I have the caring arrangements I have.

I believe single mums do the best they can. We all have our own circumstances and actually ‘Single Mum’ is not a label I apply to myself. This is partially because I have lots of family support and also partially because I earn a reasonable income – this response just shows my own bias towards the term.  I am also very proud to have wonderful kids.  You may think this claim is from a biased mum, but I am given regular feedback on my gorgeous kids to reinforce my view. Any parent knows there are many challenges to raising kids. I hear other people’s stories and realise the diversity faced.  Often it reinforces for me how lucky I am.  I hope, and believe it is often the case, that parents do the best they can do with what they have when it comes to raising kids.  I certainly hope I am not the only single mum with these views!

Adams fit into three categories relating to kids:

• have kids they see frequently
• have kids they don’t see frequently
• doesn’t have kids.

Oh and I just remembered an online dating friend was seeing an Adam who ‘remembered’/ ‘revealed’ he had kids after quite a long time of the two of them seeing each other. So there may be a few other categories…

Which category shapes the relationship between you and Adam.

– When you both have kids you compare stories and the kids’ achievements.  It gives you a shared understanding.  While I was seeing one Adam our kids were winning awards and achieving great things.

– A shared understanding of making financial contributions to your ex can be another ‘bonding’ experience. One Adam I was seeing had to pay such large amounts of money to his ex partner each month it was staggering.  This impacted his life in so many ways. He was only able to rent a place.  He rarely saw his kids and when he did he was the one who paid for their flights.  His ex wife did not work and given the amount Adam was paying this Eve did not need to. Is this fair?  Should Adams be paying so much to support their kids grow up that the ex Eve is free to live a life of leisure?

– When you are seeing an Adam who doesn’t see his kids often it can be a challenge. One Adam left me giving the reason that the relationship I had with my kids was so good it made him realise he wanted a similar bond with his kids.  It can also mean that Adam expects to see you more often than is possible – given the caring arrangements.

– When Adam doesn’t have kids there can be the challenge of trying to keep stories about your kids to a minimum, with Adams not realising how many ways kids impact your life.

Online dating profiles from Adams with kids often say – ‘I put my kids first’.  I’m not sure if Eve’s online dating profiles also make this statement.  For me I guess it is an unspoken given.  For Adams with kids it is expected. For Adams without kids it is an unknown.

May your kids prosper in life no matter what your relationship status is.

Single Mum’s should be celebrating that they are fitting in on line dating.

Let me know about your online dating challenges and the impacts on your kids.

Surely Eve