Dear Dater

Recently I’ve been writing about what shapes us, [Shaped by the Past] and how your understanding of this allows to you to shape your future [Shaping your life Eve].  I have seen over time how entrenched we can become in holding onto obsolete views. In a book on inner peace I was reading it spoke of removing the armour you’ve put up – to let love in.  This resonated with me.

So why don’t we just take this advice and live free lives filled with love?

There are many reasons – such as:

• not knowing any other way
• the hurt was too great
• not knowing what we have hidden inside us.

This last point was brought home to me when I was doing a writing exercise – listening to music to see what came to mind.  Well here is what I uncovered….

The feeling of sorrow flooded over me.  The loss. The sadness.  When would I ever see you again?  Why did we have to be ripped apart like this? Passports/visas/plane tickets taking no heed of our wishes – our hearts’ desires

Instead our embrace at the airport terminal would be the end.  Our futures spanning countries.  Another time.  Another place.  Our walks together – our dinners – all ended here.  Flying back ‘home’.  Leaving you behind in place I’d called home for a year.

There was no-one to blame. No reason for our separation – other than the expired visa and booked plane ticket.  A harsh way to end our time together.  Why couldn’t we continue our embrace in another place?  Any place but this harsh reality.  The sorrow was overwhelming.  These was no strength left.  There was no feeling left.  The numbness was preferable to the heart break.  The splintering pain.

Inevitably the reality over rode the heart’s desire.  The embrace ended.  The walk to the plane done in a trance.  The journey ‘home’.  Sadness continuing to swallow me whole.

Beginning a new life from a void.  Another time.  Another place.  Another country here.  How could this be a better place?

So this suppressed sorrow reappeared after 25 years.  All from a memory of total despair.  For all this time I carried this with me.  What protections and armaments did it give me?  How has this shaped my behaviour and relationships?

Any surprises that I no longer do long distance relationships?

Apparently, we need to let go of our previous relationships to enable us to move on.  Personally, I think our search for love is more likely to turn into a checklist of what you want and what you don’t want.  Reading online dating profiles you see this reflected in the comments:

• no baggage please
• must be tidy
• not interested in long term relationships
• must like dogs
• no dragons please

If we’re not careful with every relationship end we develop another layer of protection for our heart – becoming an ice maiden.  Letting no one in.

This state of protection works to a degree – until the thaw.  The pain happens one way or another, so I hope you work you way through your relationship ends the best way you can find.

Let me know your secrets to inner peace or if you are an ice maiden. What are you carrying with you?

Wishing you a future filled with love.

Surely Eve