Recently I realised that grieving was about a lost future. As this flashed into my mind it made sense of why I was upset now and why people get upset when they lose their loved ones. [Sad Eve]. No future conversations. No future experiences. A stolen future.
Understanding this gave me a freedom around why I felt upset and a freedom around my future. I was surprised at how fast the realisation lead to a feeling of peaceful understanding. I was free of the pain and free to enjoy a new future.
It was a ‘Don’t cry over spilt milk’ moment. The realisation not to dwell in pain and sorrow – the hurt and misery. I realised I had the freedom to move on – to start afresh – to live life [Scrawling Eve].
This revelation was explained to me when I attended a training session on change and it included the emotions we go through for loss and grieving (Kuber-Ross Model):
- Denial – It’s not true
- Anger – Frustration and Why?
- Depression – Feelings of deep loss that impacts our wish to be involved in our own lives;
- Bargaining – Wishing there was another way and a different outcome; and
- Acceptance – Its going to be ok and embracing the future.
Our broken hearts leave us to deal with these stages of grieving too. Factors like; our level of emotional connection; the length of the relationship; the way our breakup occurred; and our perception of what we’ve lost – dictates how long it takes us to work through these stages.
Sometimes our breakups just bring an overwhelming sense of relief. In these cases we hardly go through these stages of loss – We are quickly on the acceptance path and ready to get on with continuing on with our search for love.
We are all dealing with so many things like: trust issues; pain; regret; lack of confidence; raising our kids; and juggling our lives.
We are also dealing with the reflected emotions of the Adams we meet – reflecting where they are on the loss process: their pain and anger; or their acceptance and positive outlook on life. [Spiel of Spiegel Eve]
Adams stories of loss have astounded me:
- an Eve who opened another business and transferred all the stock and moved all money into new accounts
- an Eve who cleared out everything in the house and left without a word
- an Eve who had an affair with a wealthier man – a continuation of the pattern on how this Eve had met Adam
- an Eve who found another Adam and moved to another place with the kids
- an Eve who confided in the female house guest and chose to start a relationship with her.
These stories may hold elements of what happened for you – reflecting your breakups in some way. When they happen to us they are devastating. These can lead to ‘Suffering’ moments and possibly be triggers for you.
Why I am introducing these models of dealing with loss is there are times when I still find myself upset over my own separation with my ex-Adam. We carry so much more around with us than we could ever imagine. I wonder why after so many years why I am still upset?
Understanding this pathway through our loss and its stages helps.
So there are ‘Spilt Milk’ moments and ‘Suffering’ moments. We seesaw between them. How do we move on with acceptance? How do we know where we are on the journey? How do we recognise our triggers?
Be kind to yourself. Understand that we are all human. Recognise that we all go on our own journey. Don’t feel that you are the only one with these issues and feel free to share your stories with others [Sharing Eve].
One Adam recently said to me that on the roller coaster ride of life we should get off the ride when we’re at the top – not when we’re at the bottom. I completely agree.
I invite you to look at where you are on your journey of loss. If you find you are carrying around too much baggage I suggest you lighten your load.
Let me know how you are going with leaving your past in the past.
Free up your heart to love again.